Some SUPER funny oneliners?

Question by Brittany: Some SUPER funny oneliners?
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
*Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see them tumble down the stairs.*
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
Fighting for peace is like f’ing for virginity.
*God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
*The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
yihSome people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.
What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this sh*t…”
Deja Vu – When you think you’re doing something you’ve done before, it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘F*ck it – just grab a pile of sh*t. We’ll get a bag at the airport’.
Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon.
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If I’d shot you sooner, I’d be out of jail by now.
Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store is free yet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Homer Simpson
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.” -George W. Bush
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Why is it called ‘after dark’ when it really is ‘after light’?
An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.

Best answer:

Answer by Noneya
Thats what she said

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